Moody

I had my whole day planned today, but all things got postponed because of the rain. Will anyone expect such a rain in Hong Kong during winter.

I originally planned to go jogging with my mother who got cancer and sister in the morning, before getting back home to receive a social worker who would help me on dealing with my dementia father. And in the afternoon, I planned to go to the market to buy stuff for making sweet and sour pork.

I thought my weekend would be a delighted one, but the unexpected rain killed me.

I hate that rain, I really hate it. It made me got no mood to do anything, but sitting in front of this computer.

The rain, combined with the following factors, is depressing -

1. The oncology doctor said my mother is not suitable for using a more advanced drug that has less side effect, and that my mother is only suitable for the undesirable chemotherapy. But the doctor has reservation about having my mother receiving chemotherapy because of the side effect, and because the tumors have already been spread from lung to brain. The chemotherapy may extend life for one or two months.
2. My dementia father shitted a mess.

I have already expected the conditions of my parents will deteriorate. But when it comes, it is not easy to bear. And the rain has triggered all my negative thoughts.

Sometimes I am confused, I am confused that if it would be better for my parents to enter into advanced stage of their illness sooner because there is no cure for them under existing medical knowledge. Sooner or later, they will go into that advanced stage, so isn't it better if we could shorten this period so both of us suffer less pain.

I don't know the answer.

回望京城 ﹣ 交通

正式搬回香港已經接近三個月了。

要離開北京這個我住了三年的地方，實在不是容易的事。要不是我媽得了重病，估計我還是會繼續留在北京。我太喜歡北京這個地方了。北京這個國都，在人權、空氣和交通等各方面都不如香港，但我卻迷上這樣的一個城市。不是我覺得人權不重要，在北京坐公共交通簡直是受罪的經歷。當看見那些官員在空氣污染指數500的日子還辯稱北京空氣很好，我只想打他們一把。

不過，北京的地大與氛圍，讓他變得很吸引。這裡有很多人，來自中國各地各階層的人。這裡有很多事在發生。而在這裡，你找到很多朋友，有香港朋友，也有內地朋友。在北京有很多香港人，要在這裡找一個圈子，不難。

我想在這裡，寫一下我對北京的印象以及我在這裡的一些經歷。首先，寫一下最令人討厭的北京交通。

我在北京的最後一個晚上，要去祈禱會。下班後想坐的士。在北京找的士，比在人民大會堂找合適採訪對象還有難。北京的公共交通服務水平實在太差，很多都人情願多花點錢坐的士。在下班時間，通街也是等的士的人。北京的士，起步價十元，很多司機覺得開車賺不到錢，也討厭常常在路上堵車，加上他們家可能也是有房有地，司機現在也不開車了，導致等車的人比車要多。

那天，我跟一個朋友，在公司樓下，等了半個小時，也找不到一部的士。我們看到路的對面有一部空車，馬上跑過去把它攔住，當我們想上車時，司機會冷冷的說一句：『我不開了。』

你問他：『去亮馬橋嗎？』他也是冷冷的回答：『我只往南走。』或是：『太遠了，去不了。』

我們再看到空車向我們的方向過來，打算伸手攔住，結果在我們前面兩米突然跑出兩個人來，打開車門上車。這些插隊的人，什麼人也有，包括外國人。一些公德心差的人，還會在插隊後擺出一副很得意的樣子。

結果呢？在只有幾度的天氣下，等了半個小時，是在待不下去，我們決定走二十分鐘去地鐵站坐地鐵。在繁忙時間坐地鐵，是一件很具挑戰性的事。

在香港坐地鐵，無論人是如何的多，人與人之間也會保持一定的距離。在北京地鐵，人是沒有距離的，而在月臺上，人多的時候，你是不用走的，因為你後面的人會推你前進。在北京坐地鐵，特別是一號線，真的是會讓人短命的。

那巴士呢？巴士服務很不可靠，跟地鐵一樣，在繁忙時間，巴士裏面的人是沒有距離的。想像一下，在堵車的路上，你站在一架滿人的巴士裏面，你的頭可以碰到其他人的頭髮，是很嘔心的事。以為巴士到站後會有很多人下車？對，下車的人多，但上車的人還要多。上車的人都好像參加電視臺特技節目一樣，鍥而不捨地擠上車，要看看細小的車廂可以容納多少人。

北京的公共交通設計，都市很奇怪的。常常都要轉車兩三次才能到目的地，在地鐵換乘常常要走20分鐘的路，非常麻煩。

所以，很多人也買車租車。像我這些不會開車的人，要不考車牌或是僱用司機，要不繼續忍受。

We are all beautiful

Today, I join a prayer meeting hosted by Hot Culture, a Christian group attended by some HK artists.

The prayer meeting is impressive, and refreshing to me, who need to take rest before God at the times of adversity.

My days are hectic nowadays, taking care of sick parents, even though I am on annual leave. I wake up early at 8am in the morning, making breakfast for parents, and I easily lost temper because I have to get everything done fast and quick, and I am easily irritated when my father suffering from Alzhimer can't even get dressed up properly.

I can spare some time reading the bible after the breakfast session, but in the afternoon, I have to prepare for dinner.

The lost of temper and the house work mean I do not have a peaceful mind, and I am depriving myself of quiet time to talk to God – even though I have read the bible.

And the prayer meeting today at least let me put my mind at rest, and focus on God.

The prayer meeting is not actually a meeting at all, but a place where there is worshippers singing. We are not praying in a group for a specific set of items, but we are praying individually, reflecting our relationship with God.

The whole prayer meeting is divided into several sections, in which each section is assigned a specific theme – ReCreation, RePent, ReLease, ReVoke, RePlace, ReVision. There is no sequencing order of which section to go first and last. You can choose out of your spontaneous thoughts.

I particularly like ReVision. I was given a set of seven-piece puzzle, and was asked to resemble five shapes and patterns using the puzzle. I only managed to resemble two patterns, and the remaining three patterns were too difficult to me.

And the main message behind the little exercise is that sometimes we admire some people because they have some gifts from God, and in my case, I admire people who have got leadership skills and musical talents.

But if you got yourself more involved in the exercise, you will realize that God makes you out of his own wish and he has his purpose for you. You can use your seven-piece puzzle to make patterns you like – a unique pattern, a unique pattern. Someone may dislike your pattern, but you appreciate it because it is your creation and it represents you. Someone may dislike you, but God appreciates you. No one is perfect, and especially in the eyes of human, we can always find out the wrong side of other people. But we are all the creation of God, and in the eyes of him, he loves us and we are beautiful.

And then I went to ReLease – a section dedicated to let us forgive other people. I am always frustrated by my elder brother and father, for I think they are selfish and have no sense of responsibility. They are all like patterns assembled by seven-piece puzzle, and from my perspective, they are not perfect at all. I certainly believe that I am full of defects from their perspectives. They are also God's creation and God will certainly find them beautiful. Why can't I accept them?

When I was wrapping up my encounter with God over the past decade, there were of course ups and downs. I only jotted down two downs – unhappy at work and unhappy at brother/ father, while I got more ups, namely baptism, the three years spent in Beijing, and God telling me that he has never abandoned me at this difficult times.

The three years in Beijing is no doubt and inevitably one of God's gift to me out of my expectation. I wanted to live a different life three years ago, and I moved to Beijing. I had never imagined that God would bless me in such a way during those years. I got one of my dreams, becoming a reporter working on China beat, realized and I got a vibrant Christian fellowship whose members are eager to support each other. I had never expected church life on the mainland, where religious freedom is improving but still not fully respected, would be so fruitful. The experience of having my brothers and sisters showing up and offering a helping hand is still kinda surreal. I will share my Beijing experience with you guys in later articles (probably I will open a new section dedicated to Beijing).

One Bible verse was sent to me. It is from Luke 18:27, “But he said, Things which are not possible with man are possible with God.” Yes, life is sometimes dull and difficult, but God is watching us and will make things possible.