修改了幾天前貼的文章，那文章有錯字，一些句子的表達不清晰。如發現語病或不清晰地方，請指正。
到達靈堂後，即去看遺容。我可以想像，把化妝退下，她的面容依然安祥，像睡覺一樣。
二十五年前，外公去世，當時還是小學生的我，把手伸向外公的鼻，檢查他是否仍然在呼吸，他的去世是否錯覺。這一次，我只凝視遺體，外婆已死，是事實。
靈堂內，絡繹不絕，有人把喪禮當成社交場合，不斷地逗旁邊的人談話，向來哀悼的人說「你是貴賓」。有人在看遺容後，悲傷地離去。
喪禮以道教形式進行。家屬時而下跪，又要跟隨道士在吵耳的配樂中進行破地獄等儀式。
我專注地望向遺照，心中悲傷，但感恩。能夠有一位善待自己的外婆，是莫大的恩賜。
外婆在老人院去世的那天，是清早時份。修女致電姨，說外婆的情況緊急。在姨到達老人院前，外婆已走了。
她離開前我一直祈求，外婆可以過這一關，而即使她要走，我也可以見最後一面。想不到，連住在澳門的姨也不可以送她走。
想一想，這也是好的。由姨的住所去老人院要半小時左右。而我由香港去那間老人院，即使坐直昇機，也要兩小時。外婆在姨到達前離開，即是她病發辛苦的時間不太長。她走的真的很安祥。
瞻仰遺容一刻，眾人傷心淚下。因為，這是你跟她面對面的最後一刻，蓋棺以後，你只能在記憶及相片中見到她，而相片是死的。
工作人員把棺木放進泥土裡，眾親友把泥土灑在棺木上，依依不捨地送別。
一陣清風拂過，再見了，願安息。
葬後連續兩天，去獻花。今後，也只能以獻花這方式去探望。
感恩，我希望我能以同樣的態度在日後面對人的離去。
Showing posts with label Grandmother. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Grandmother. Show all posts
Monday, March 02, 2009
告別 ﹝一﹞
修改了幾天前貼的文章，那文章有錯字，一些句子的表達不清晰。如發現語病或不清晰地方，請指正。
清晨六時未到，與一眾長者到南灣晨運。澳門的南灣，近似香港的維多利亞港。長者們面向大海做各式各樣的運動之餘，還在談天說地，交流家事，甚至談論你。晨運地方旁邊，有一系列的茶水檔。你在回想幾天前跟姨和外婆遊車河後，在這些茶水檔飲可樂，多輕鬆。
運動完後，步行十分鐘左右，到附近的營地街市買菜買雜物買生果，外婆準備為辛勞工作的子女弄一餐好吃的。你不喜歡濕滑的街市，想早早離去，但你沒有辦法，因為你怕回家的路上危險。
買菜後，去金冠或碧麗宮酒家飲茶。你點叉燒飯，你吩咐師傅把叉燒切得小一點，以免難入口，那個師傅真的把叉燒切得一粒粒，每粒小得像花生一樣。你生病了，她與你到附近的鄭貞根醫生看病。
之後，你跟外婆回家，再到舅父的廣告公司探望。下午時份跟姨和她的朋友吃飯，再去保健牛奶吃甜品。
就這樣，日日如是的過了六十天。當時還是中小學生的你，無憂無慮，不知民間疾苦。
然而，你不能把這樣的時光鎖住。你家的茶餐廳很忙，你暑假要去幫忙，再加上一些難以說明的家庭糾紛，你恨本不可能抽出六十天去澳門過那些淡如水的日子。直到茶餐廳結業後，你上大學，自由了，可以在考試後到澳門小休一星期左右。開始工作後，你想去印度上海新疆等地，不捨得把十多天的年假貢獻給澳門，因此，你只會在公眾假期或週未時才匆匆地去澳門，留數天甚至一兩天便走。
而且，物換星移，在急速發展的澳門，晨運的地方，被那些討厭而裡面空空如也的大樓佔據了，茶水檔當然也要讓路。酒樓及廣告公司經不起日益劇烈的競爭而結業了。鄭醫生的診所，招牌仍在，但人去樓空。外婆，也因年老，健康欠佳，不良於行，住進老人院了。只有那間保健牛奶仍屹立不倒。
外在環境改變，不打緊，因為不管賭業的發展如何繁盛，不管時間是如何緊迫，仍然可以見面溝通。你跟她去有電梯直達的聯邦酒家飲茶，抑或氹仔的洪記或大東飯店用餐，她都覺得欣慰。
你問：食物好吃嗎？
好。
今天開心嗎？
開心。
但是‧‧‧‧‧
2008年12月，外婆跌傷入院。之後因為皮膚發炎等其他症狀而不能出院。到年初三，在上海旅行的你突然收到姨的電話，說外婆心肺功能急降，有危險。兩天後，情況穩定。星期日去探望，她的樣貌精神，胃口好，但虛弱。她在笑，又明白你在說什麼，但好像沒有言語能力。
兩星期後，再去探望，情況依然，胃口依然好，但會在吃東西時睡著。她清楚明白你在叫她祈禱。醫生安排翌日出院，你想，既然可以出院，情況應該好了。
醫院探視時間快過，你跟她說：「要走了，遲一些再來看你。」你打算兩星期後到老人院看她。她的眼神有點迷茫，她應該想你留下。
星期四清晨，即2009年2月19日，正準備去採訪一單法庭新聞的你，正在打算今天早點下班後跟朋友去看電影的你，突然收到姨的來電，那來電顯示令人心知不妙。的確，姨的訊息簡短，但令你感到悲傷茫然錯愕。她說：「婆婆走了。她吃早餐後心肺功能急降，失救了。」
她怎麼出院幾天便出事呢？你去年9月赴澳，她仍然健壯。你把奧運馬術比賽的記者證掛在她身上拍照，她笑得好高興。12月跌傷手術後，身體也不弱。過了才幾個月，她已撒手人寰。
死亡，對生人來說的其中一種意義，就是你不能再跟亡者有什麼溝通聯繫。你別想去給他看你在旅途拍下的照片。你不能跟他重返以前去過的地方，想往事，甚至豐富那些記憶。即使有第三者跟你去這些地方，你有強烈的意欲分享你的過去，他們都無法去感受。
想到這裡，感到悲傷。
清晨六時未到，與一眾長者到南灣晨運。澳門的南灣，近似香港的維多利亞港。長者們面向大海做各式各樣的運動之餘，還在談天說地，交流家事，甚至談論你。晨運地方旁邊，有一系列的茶水檔。你在回想幾天前跟姨和外婆遊車河後，在這些茶水檔飲可樂，多輕鬆。
運動完後，步行十分鐘左右，到附近的營地街市買菜買雜物買生果，外婆準備為辛勞工作的子女弄一餐好吃的。你不喜歡濕滑的街市，想早早離去，但你沒有辦法，因為你怕回家的路上危險。
買菜後，去金冠或碧麗宮酒家飲茶。你點叉燒飯，你吩咐師傅把叉燒切得小一點，以免難入口，那個師傅真的把叉燒切得一粒粒，每粒小得像花生一樣。你生病了，她與你到附近的鄭貞根醫生看病。
之後，你跟外婆回家，再到舅父的廣告公司探望。下午時份跟姨和她的朋友吃飯，再去保健牛奶吃甜品。
就這樣，日日如是的過了六十天。當時還是中小學生的你，無憂無慮，不知民間疾苦。
然而，你不能把這樣的時光鎖住。你家的茶餐廳很忙，你暑假要去幫忙，再加上一些難以說明的家庭糾紛，你恨本不可能抽出六十天去澳門過那些淡如水的日子。直到茶餐廳結業後，你上大學，自由了，可以在考試後到澳門小休一星期左右。開始工作後，你想去印度上海新疆等地，不捨得把十多天的年假貢獻給澳門，因此，你只會在公眾假期或週未時才匆匆地去澳門，留數天甚至一兩天便走。
而且，物換星移，在急速發展的澳門，晨運的地方，被那些討厭而裡面空空如也的大樓佔據了，茶水檔當然也要讓路。酒樓及廣告公司經不起日益劇烈的競爭而結業了。鄭醫生的診所，招牌仍在，但人去樓空。外婆，也因年老，健康欠佳，不良於行，住進老人院了。只有那間保健牛奶仍屹立不倒。
外在環境改變，不打緊，因為不管賭業的發展如何繁盛，不管時間是如何緊迫，仍然可以見面溝通。你跟她去有電梯直達的聯邦酒家飲茶，抑或氹仔的洪記或大東飯店用餐，她都覺得欣慰。
你問：食物好吃嗎？
好。
今天開心嗎？
開心。
但是‧‧‧‧‧
2008年12月，外婆跌傷入院。之後因為皮膚發炎等其他症狀而不能出院。到年初三，在上海旅行的你突然收到姨的電話，說外婆心肺功能急降，有危險。兩天後，情況穩定。星期日去探望，她的樣貌精神，胃口好，但虛弱。她在笑，又明白你在說什麼，但好像沒有言語能力。
兩星期後，再去探望，情況依然，胃口依然好，但會在吃東西時睡著。她清楚明白你在叫她祈禱。醫生安排翌日出院，你想，既然可以出院，情況應該好了。
醫院探視時間快過，你跟她說：「要走了，遲一些再來看你。」你打算兩星期後到老人院看她。她的眼神有點迷茫，她應該想你留下。
星期四清晨，即2009年2月19日，正準備去採訪一單法庭新聞的你，正在打算今天早點下班後跟朋友去看電影的你，突然收到姨的來電，那來電顯示令人心知不妙。的確，姨的訊息簡短，但令你感到悲傷茫然錯愕。她說：「婆婆走了。她吃早餐後心肺功能急降，失救了。」
她怎麼出院幾天便出事呢？你去年9月赴澳，她仍然健壯。你把奧運馬術比賽的記者證掛在她身上拍照，她笑得好高興。12月跌傷手術後，身體也不弱。過了才幾個月，她已撒手人寰。
死亡，對生人來說的其中一種意義，就是你不能再跟亡者有什麼溝通聯繫。你別想去給他看你在旅途拍下的照片。你不能跟他重返以前去過的地方，想往事，甚至豐富那些記憶。即使有第三者跟你去這些地方，你有強烈的意欲分享你的過去，他們都無法去感受。
想到這裡，感到悲傷。
Saturday, February 21, 2009
「柄」埋一邊
這幾天，我在MSN仍舊跟人談話說笑。但不想跟熟識的人有任何面對面接觸。友在MSN說他抱歉沒有致電我，我說不打緊，因為我這幾天想獨處。
我照常上班，也照上出席語文課，但其他時間，用廣東話說，就是把自己「柄」埋一邊。原因不知為何。
我的思緒介乎想與不想之間，有一點點累，但沒有大哭，情緒亦末跌至最低谷。
今天，途經了添記唱片店，再去石硤尾去碼頭拿船票，但到碼頭才發現忘記了帶訂票發票。
之後，去一架咖啡店，想溫習語文，但太多人太吵了，回家去。
回家後，竟然去附近的店舖買了一個書櫃，執拾那凌亂的房間。
致電姨，她說她很累，沒有精神。
我說我會在喪事後多留澳兩天，她說即使在喪事後立即回港也沒有什麼問題。倘若太多人留下，她反而沒有精神。
她可能也想把自己「柄」埋一邊。其實，過去十多年，姨負起了大部份照顧外婆的責任，也真夠累。
我想我也會多留兩天，走一走。
我照常上班，也照上出席語文課，但其他時間，用廣東話說，就是把自己「柄」埋一邊。原因不知為何。
我的思緒介乎想與不想之間，有一點點累，但沒有大哭，情緒亦末跌至最低谷。
今天，途經了添記唱片店，再去石硤尾去碼頭拿船票，但到碼頭才發現忘記了帶訂票發票。
之後，去一架咖啡店，想溫習語文，但太多人太吵了，回家去。
回家後，竟然去附近的店舖買了一個書櫃，執拾那凌亂的房間。
致電姨，她說她很累，沒有精神。
我說我會在喪事後多留澳兩天，她說即使在喪事後立即回港也沒有什麼問題。倘若太多人留下，她反而沒有精神。
她可能也想把自己「柄」埋一邊。其實，過去十多年，姨負起了大部份照顧外婆的責任，也真夠累。
我想我也會多留兩天，走一走。
Thursday, February 19, 2009
A sad day
Changeling, The Class and Milk are the movies I am interested in, and I have planned to see one of them with friends tonight.
A phone call in the early morning completely changed everything. My aunt in Macau called me in the morning, when I was about to leave home to report on a court hearing. I had bad feeling before picking up the phone. It is unusual for her to make a call in early morning. Her message is short but tearful. “Grandmother has just passed away in the elderly home peacefully after eating breakfast.”
My grandmother was weak when she was still in hospital on Sunday, but her condition remained stable that time. She was discharged and sent back to the elderly home, which service is good I believe. I had already anticipated that my grandmother, a woman of 86, would leave us when I received another phone call from my aunt during the Chinese New Year holiday that her cardiovascular function had suddenly deteriorated. What I had not anticipated was that she would be gone only days after leaving the hospital.
Inside the MTR to the court, I kept sending SMS to close friends about this undesirable news.
I want to be alone today, and maybe the following few days, keeping my mind in peace, and perhaps letting my mind be flashed back to the days when I was a kid.
I was born in Hong Kong, but I spent my first few years in Macau before starting my kindergarten education. I would go to Macau whenever there was long vacation, such as summer and Christmas holidays, until secondary two because of various reasons, including a family dispute. I was almost disconnected from her and Macau, except paying a visit in Chinese New Year, until I started my university education, when I had more free time to go to places I like.
I want to, and I need to, jot down how I spent my time in Macau for fearing that I might forget them some day when I get old. My grandfather, died during Chinese New Year more than two decades ago, was a nice man who loved his grandchild. I always begged him to buy toys and even bicycles for me, time after time. He really did that on some occasions. When he decided not to buy the gifts I wanted for not spoiling me, he would not let me down. Instead of just saying a plain “No”, he would pick up a box of matches and give the matches to me one by one. “One match is one dollar. I don't have enough matches for you to buy that.”
My grandmother spent most of her time with me whenever I was in Macau. She would prepare nice food. And as I am the youngest son of my mother, she devoted most of her attention to me. She was almost always on my side when I was in dispute with my brother and sister. I always went to Yum Cha with my aunt and her. She also took me to do morning exercise.
Some major changes happened to her over the past two decades. The family dispute I have mentioned before pushed her to be almost disconnected from one of her sons until recent years. Her other son is addicted to gambling and freed to other country. My aunt is the only person taking care of her.
She could not go to the community center, once her favorite pastime, after a leg injury. My aunt, as an educator, was busy with her school and could not spend too much time taking care of my grandmother who lives alone. My aunt hired several domestic helpers. All of the maids left because my grandmother was not an easy going person for strangers. Luckily, my aunt had arranged a good elderly home for her two years ago, and she seemed happy living there and chatting with roommates.
As a traditional woman, she always wanted her grandsons to get marry. “My birthday wish is that you get married and have a family soon,” she said in her birthday feast few years ago.
She suffered from another leg injury after falling down in last December. Conditions had been deteriorating since then. She was weak and reluctant to speak and move. But she would still smile when seeing me and my siblings.
It is really a sad day. Still, I truly believe that I cannot ask for more as 86 is long enough for a funeral to be called a “laughing funeral” 笑喪. I should be grateful that she left us peacefully without pain.
Thanks to my friends who sent me back encouraging message. Although I want to be alone today, the message really means so much to me.
A phone call in the early morning completely changed everything. My aunt in Macau called me in the morning, when I was about to leave home to report on a court hearing. I had bad feeling before picking up the phone. It is unusual for her to make a call in early morning. Her message is short but tearful. “Grandmother has just passed away in the elderly home peacefully after eating breakfast.”
My grandmother was weak when she was still in hospital on Sunday, but her condition remained stable that time. She was discharged and sent back to the elderly home, which service is good I believe. I had already anticipated that my grandmother, a woman of 86, would leave us when I received another phone call from my aunt during the Chinese New Year holiday that her cardiovascular function had suddenly deteriorated. What I had not anticipated was that she would be gone only days after leaving the hospital.
Inside the MTR to the court, I kept sending SMS to close friends about this undesirable news.
I want to be alone today, and maybe the following few days, keeping my mind in peace, and perhaps letting my mind be flashed back to the days when I was a kid.
I was born in Hong Kong, but I spent my first few years in Macau before starting my kindergarten education. I would go to Macau whenever there was long vacation, such as summer and Christmas holidays, until secondary two because of various reasons, including a family dispute. I was almost disconnected from her and Macau, except paying a visit in Chinese New Year, until I started my university education, when I had more free time to go to places I like.
I want to, and I need to, jot down how I spent my time in Macau for fearing that I might forget them some day when I get old. My grandfather, died during Chinese New Year more than two decades ago, was a nice man who loved his grandchild. I always begged him to buy toys and even bicycles for me, time after time. He really did that on some occasions. When he decided not to buy the gifts I wanted for not spoiling me, he would not let me down. Instead of just saying a plain “No”, he would pick up a box of matches and give the matches to me one by one. “One match is one dollar. I don't have enough matches for you to buy that.”
My grandmother spent most of her time with me whenever I was in Macau. She would prepare nice food. And as I am the youngest son of my mother, she devoted most of her attention to me. She was almost always on my side when I was in dispute with my brother and sister. I always went to Yum Cha with my aunt and her. She also took me to do morning exercise.
Some major changes happened to her over the past two decades. The family dispute I have mentioned before pushed her to be almost disconnected from one of her sons until recent years. Her other son is addicted to gambling and freed to other country. My aunt is the only person taking care of her.
She could not go to the community center, once her favorite pastime, after a leg injury. My aunt, as an educator, was busy with her school and could not spend too much time taking care of my grandmother who lives alone. My aunt hired several domestic helpers. All of the maids left because my grandmother was not an easy going person for strangers. Luckily, my aunt had arranged a good elderly home for her two years ago, and she seemed happy living there and chatting with roommates.
As a traditional woman, she always wanted her grandsons to get marry. “My birthday wish is that you get married and have a family soon,” she said in her birthday feast few years ago.
She suffered from another leg injury after falling down in last December. Conditions had been deteriorating since then. She was weak and reluctant to speak and move. But she would still smile when seeing me and my siblings.
It is really a sad day. Still, I truly believe that I cannot ask for more as 86 is long enough for a funeral to be called a “laughing funeral” 笑喪. I should be grateful that she left us peacefully without pain.
Thanks to my friends who sent me back encouraging message. Although I want to be alone today, the message really means so much to me.
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