Saturday, April 20, 2013

Good bye, but we will meet again. 暫別

I guess probably many of you guys know that my mom has already passed away on Mar 26, and today is her funeral.

We have a Christian, and simple, style of funeral at the hospital today, followed by cremation. We will choose another date for burial at sea.

Thanks very much for the prayers and support of you guys over the past months. I appreciate that.

As some of you may know, my mom passed away when I was in a reporting trip. Her condition deteriorated rapidly and suddenly that she looked quite normal two days before I departed for the trip. She was responsive to my phone calls when I was away, and my sister told me that she was still OK on the day she was admitted to hospital.

But things changed quickly one day after, with doctor first saying that she might leave within days but later telling us “to be prepared” at any moment. In a few hours, she has gone to heaven.

In my prayer that night, I asked God why would he let her die without me saying goodbye to her. I don't think I can get an answer, but just one thing popping up in my mind – that we, as Christians, will sooner or later meet again in the heaven, and so there is no such thing as eternal farewell.

My mom is baptized on the day she dies. It is actually not that easy to have her baptized. She is OK to baptism because she says she “already believes in God”. But whenever we tried to take her to church to discuss related arrangement, there were always obstacles. She had stomach pain, or sometimes she was too tired.

On the hospital night, the brothers and sisters in my HK church were scrambling to let her be baptized. But the pastor of my church could not be reached, and the hospital does not have priest because it is a Catholic institution. At one point, my brother even thought of getting pastors from nearby churches that we have not been to for my mom.

But we could reach my church's pastor at the last minute. She rushed to the hospital, and baptized her. After baptism, my mom goes to heaven.

God has his timing and plan.

Cheers.

﹣﹣﹣﹣﹣﹣﹣﹣﹣﹣﹣﹣﹣﹣﹣﹣﹣﹣﹣﹣

我媽在326日去世。今天我們在醫院舉行葬禮。葬禮簡單,但按基督教儀式進行。安息禮拜完後,舉行火化禮。我們會擇日舉行海葬。
謝謝大家在過去幾個月的代禱和支持。我非常感謝大家。
我媽去世的那一天,我正在外面出差。她的情況突然急轉直下。我出差前兩天,她的情況還不錯,我跟她講電話時,她的對答清楚。她住院后,我姐還說她的情況還行。
可她進醫院一天后,情況很快轉壞。醫生先告訴我家人,醫院會安排我媽做物理治療,以改善她的呼吸,如果物理治療效果不好,她很有可能在幾天內離開。但幾個小時后,醫院突然說,家人隨時要有『心理準備』。再過幾小時,神帶她走了。
雖然說,半年前我媽給確診腦癌和肺癌時,我已經做了心裡預備,她在世的時間不會長,但也沒有想到那麼快。
我當天禱告時,我問神,為什麼不讓我跟媽媽說一聲再見呢。我想,這個問題,我是永遠也想不出答案。但第二天,我跟一個朋友聊天,他說:『我們在將來也會在天家見面,所以根本沒有永別這回事。』
我媽在去年决志信主。她在去世的那一天洗禮。為她洗禮,相當不容易。她早就說既然她已經相信了,所以願意洗禮。但每一次我們想帶她去教會商討一下安排的時候,總會有一些阻礙。有時候,她肚子疼。有些時候,她覺得很累。
在醫院的那一天,教會的弟兄姊妹很想儘快的幫她洗禮。他們透過聊天室問我,要不要現在給她安排洗禮。我當時還不知道醫生已經說過,她有可能在幾天內離開,心裡也就不著急,跟他們說,我過幾天回來後就會安排。
當我媽情況變差到可能在幾小時就離開時,我們都很緊張。可當時,我們教會的牧師聯繫不上。而聖母醫院是一家天主教醫院,所以沒有院牧。我哥甚至想過,看看醫院附近有沒有教會還開著燈,找他們的牧師幫我媽洗禮。
到最後,聯繫上我們教會的牧師。她趕快的來幫她洗禮。洗禮完後幾分鐘,她走了。
神有祂的時間和安排。

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

別覺得自己了不起


剛過去的週末,我跟媽媽和姐姐去了澳門。吃了豐富的葡國餐,買了兩包咖啡豆。

起行前,我是非常擔心的。我擔心媽媽身體突然發生什麼情況,也擔心我哥不能照顧好沒有跟我同行的爸爸。結果,事情順利,在澳門沒有發生什麼不愉快的事。爸爸除了天天去麥當勞以外,也沒有什麼大行為問題。

我擔心爸爸,主要是因為我對哥哥沒有信心。我一直覺得,我照顧爸爸都比我哥做的好,我哥實在是一個很懶的人,平常叫他帶爸爸去外面吃飯也不願意,就只會整天躺在床上,什麼也不做。雖然在照顧的事情上,我也有很多不足,但肯定比我哥做得好。什麼找社工看醫生都是我安排的,我甚至覺得我有點了不起。

今晚,在禱告的時候,我想起了在北京的K說過的話。我一直也想在『回望京城』裡寫一篇關於北京的人,但一直沒有頭緒怎麼去寫,就先在這裡寫一小段關於K的事吧。

K是一個喜歡音樂的人,跟其他弟兄姊妹在北京組成了一對敬拜的樂隊,有時會在崇拜帶領敬拜。我也曾經想過加入他的團隊,但後來沒有參加。

有一天,我跟他在同一場崇拜侍奉。我做崇拜的主席,他帶領敬拜。崇拜完後,我對K說:『還好我沒有加入你的樂隊。』
K:『為什麼?』
我:『我在臺上的時候,我在想,我加入你的樂隊,究竟是為了侍奉,還是想人注意自己?如果是後者,那算了。』
K:『在唱歌的時候,我在想,如果我今天發生什麼意外,我的手腳也沒了。對敬拜有影響嗎?就算沒有我,神也會安排敬拜的。是神讓我去做敬拜,不是我自己有什麼了不起的能力。』

今天再想起這段對話,我覺得,就算我不在,神也會照顧爸爸的。不是我自己很優越,而是神讓我去做這個事情。

想起以斯帖記四章十四節這麼說:『此時你若閉口不言 、猶大人必從別處得解脫、蒙拯救、你和你父家、必致滅亡。焉知你得了王后的位分、不是為現今的機會麼。』

Sunday, January 20, 2013

回望京城 ﹣ 採訪


說來幸運。過去三年,大陸沒有很大的天災,我也沒有給派去採訪什麼很敏感的新聞,所以也就沒有給公安拉鎖。

我倒想分享一個小小的感受。外交部說中國沒有新聞審查,中國憲法保障新聞自由,中國保障記者採訪權利,這是常常也聽到的官方說法。

我只記得,在六四週年的那一天,我如常上班。但當天我穿了一件從美國Newseum買回來的T-shirt,上面印有Trust me, I am a reporter

可我老闆當天叫我去天安門。我的同事知道后,叫我去換衣服,因為我的T-shirt太引起人的注意,去天安門肯定會給保安趕出來。於是我馬上去買衣服了。

結果,去到天安門,我跟攝影師還是給保安發現了。在檢查行李的時候,我們的袋裡面有公司的信,保安看見后,馬上緊張起來,要什麼請示上級。最後,我們給警告,在廣場裡面只可以參觀,不可以採訪。

我們在廣場『參觀』時,明顯的有人跟著監視我們。

雖然沒有給人拉給人鎖,這個經歷也可以看出當局是如何『保障記者採訪權利』吧。也不說這個了,在很多場合,負責媒體聯絡的政府工作人員,也常常『提示』記者,不要向領導問什麼什麼問題,也暗示如果不守規矩的話,會有後果。

前幾天,在辦公室忙的時候,我在想像,如果在我寫稿的時候,政府新聞處或中聯辦的人突然跑到辦公室,強迫報社要刊登一篇文章,否則報社就要關門大吉。面對這情況,我會如何呢?想起也覺得恐怖。

但新京報的編採人員就面對這情況。昨天晚上,北京市宣傳部的官員去新京報的辦公室,要求報章轉載環球時報的社論。報社編採人員拒絕了,但官員威脅說不刊登的或,報社就要關門。儘管編採員工努力抗爭,最後還是轉載了環球時報的社論。正常情况下,一家报社都不会转载其他报纸的社论的,更何况,那篇社论给同行評為垃圾,為當權這傳話的文章。

還有,官員跑到報社來,強迫人家刊登文章,這根本就是野蠻行為。新京報記者的悲憤,可以理解。

內地的媒體和言論自由,還停留在一個很低的水平。內地媒體收到中宣部的指令,不讓報導這個題目,不讓討論那個話題,是時空見慣的事情。記者寫稿時,往往要避重就輕,免得得罪官員。就算沒有報導禁令,當局也跟新聞當事人下禁口令,或是叫學者不要評論。到最後,記者還是採訪不了,寫不了報導。

當有些人常常說中國過去三十年發展很驚人,成功得他們去質疑中國人有沒有需要要那麼多的自由時,想起內地媒體的情況,我心中抹一把汗。三十年的發展創造了驚人的增長數字,但對自由的尊重,根本沒有進步。如果真的沒有新聞審查,就不會有新京報和南方週末的事件。如果真的保障採訪權利,廣場保安就不會那麼緊張,新聞人物和評論員也不會跟記者說:『對不起,當局叫我們不要說。』

Saturday, January 19, 2013

靠政府?算吧啦


我同事今天寫的報導,說香港的安老院宿位嚴重不夠,如果要安頓好所用長者,應該要幾十年的時間。而一個長者,如果合資格的話,也最少要等三年,才能去政府資助的安老院。合資格的意思是說老人家的身體有病,照顧不了自己,家裡人也照顧不了他。三年,就是有老人到死的時候,也輪候不到宿位。
家裡人照顧不了他。我要上班,長時間工作,這個是照顧不了他的證明嗎?對不起,不是,社會福利署不會就此覺得你照顧不了老人。
我所以回香港,是因為家裡兩個老人也出事了。爸三年前有腦退化症,還好他退化的情況比較慢。但我媽在9月底得癌症,癌細胞有肺擴散到腦,不能再照顧我爸了。
在媽媽確診前,我們已發現她不能長時間照顧爸爸了。因此,我們找很多福利機構,看看有什麼照顧服務。以前聽說有一些社會服務機構,提供一些日間照顧服務他們,也搞活動幫助他們改善記憶力。可是,很多受政府資助的機構也拒絕了我們,說我爸能走能吃,沒什麼問題,不需要什麼照顧。
OK。我不是要安排我爸住安老院,但我爸記憶不好,試過一天打電話給家人100次。而他會常常跟我媽一起,甚至試過我媽去上手工班,叫他待在家等她,他也會坐立不安,偷偷的跟蹤她,以致她覺得很大壓力。這個不是問題嗎? 我不是要馬上安排我爸住安老院,但能不能讓他去日間護理中心(就是讓他們早上和下午在老人中心參加活動和吃飯),或者是其他減輕家人壓力的服務?對不起,我爸能吃能走,沒什麼問題。
我媽住院的時候,我們也很傍徨。找醫院的社工問問。說我媽有癌症,不能做飯了,而我爸是不懂打電話去餐廳點餐的,有送餐的服務嗎?對不起,送餐服務人手短缺。現在我媽也要人照顧了,我們可以怎麼安排?回答:你儘快請外籍家庭傭工吧。
我沒有想過請外傭嗎?請一個外傭最快也要一兩個月吧。更何況,願意照顧患病老人的外傭不多。
到後來,經過一番折騰,終於找到一家私人的日間中心給我爸,而我媽的情況比較穩定,壓力才沒有那麼緊張。私人的日間中心,每天250元,比政府的貴了200元。但還好裡面的社工很用心,照顧的很好。我也常常跟不同的朋友說我爸媽的情況,他們推介了一些社會服務給我,讓我情緒好一點,也學習一些照顧著的技巧。
有一天,我跟我爸去老人診所覆診時,叫醫生寫一封信,確診我爸有腦退化。醫生寫信了,還把我爸轉劫到老人醫院跟進。我起初也很感謝醫生,怎知我去到老人醫院時,那邊的醫生說,他們主要是照顧跌傷的老人,記憶退化的不是他們的服務範圍。天啊,我不期待你給我什麼很優質的服務,但也不要把我轉介到錯誤的地方吧。害我浪費了一天。
昨天,社會福利署的社工來我家,幫我爸做評估。我因此請了一天的假。我再說,我不是要安排我爸馬上住安老院。但是輪候安老院要3年,而腦退化是只會惡化,不會好的,所以我也要做相關預備。而且,如果我爸能去政府的日間中心,我每天可以省200元。結果呢?我爸能吃能走,也沒有試過走失,不符合輪候資格。我們擔心如果我媽病情惡化甚至過剩的話,對我爸的心裡行為會有影響。對不起,這個不是這個社工要處理的事。
這幾個月,我真的覺得,政府不是相幫你的,它只是讓你死得不會那麼快。政府機構,只是想把你close file
怪不得有老人想自殺。

Tuesday, January 08, 2013

Tuesday, January 01, 2013

2012 and 2013

The year of 2012 is a roller coaster for me, and it is full of blessing.
At work, I enjoy working with my colleagues who are considerate. And 2012 to me is still an exciting year because many important things happen. Throughout the last year, I went to business trips and covered some major stuff, such as Chen Guangcheng, NPC and CPPCC sessions, and 18th party congress.
Working for long hours were common, and on same occasions, I needed to work across time zones, but I do very much treasure the opportunities because all are eye opening experience to me, throughout which I have learned much and there is still much room for improvements.
I decided to move back to Hong Kong after three years in Beijing, where I had a very good time, because my parents are terribly sick. I do from time to time miss the days in Beijing, where I have met some good friends and met interesting people, and sometimes of course I will feel tired and frustrated at my Hong Kong home for I have no idea about when will all these chaos come to an end.
Yes, I am in the middle of no where and I am lost sometimes on what should I do to deal with my situation, but God is actually watching. Through prayers and supportive remarks of friends, God is indeed sending a message that he has not abandoned anyone who believe in him. The smooth transition for me to head back to Hong Kong and the assistance my family get from social workers are signs that God is leading me through the difficulties.
There is time for everything. Time for birth, time for death, time to plant, time to reap, time to cheer, time to laugh, time to embrace and time to part. I have wondered what's the purpose of God for putting me into all the ups and downs, but often it is beyond my comprehension.
I have joined a one-year Bible reading plan, and the following passage from Ecclesiastes 3:9-13 impress me a lot.
But in the end, does it really make a difference what anyone does? I’ve had a good look at what God has given us to do—busywork, mostly. True, God made everything beautiful in itself and in its time—but he’s left us in the dark, so we can never know what God is up to, whether he’s coming or going. I’ve decided that there’s nothing better to do than go ahead and have a good time and get the most we can out of life. That’s it—eat, drink, and make the most of your job. It’s God’s gift.”
Chinese version of versus 12 and 13. 『我知道世人 、莫強如終身喜樂行善。並且人人喫喝、在他一切勞碌中享福.這也是 神的恩賜。』
Enjoy what I have is already a God's gift.


Saturday, December 29, 2012

Moody


I had my whole day planned today, but all things got postponed because of the rain. Will anyone expect such a rain in Hong Kong during winter.
I originally planned to go jogging with my mother who got cancer and sister in the morning, before getting back home to receive a social worker who would help me on dealing with my dementia father. And in the afternoon, I planned to go to the market to buy stuff for making sweet and sour pork.
I thought my weekend would be a delighted one, but the unexpected rain killed me.
I hate that rain, I really hate it. It made me got no mood to do anything, but sitting in front of this computer.
The rain, combined with the following factors, is depressing -
  1. The oncology doctor said my mother is not suitable for using a more advanced drug that has less side effect, and that my mother is only suitable for the undesirable chemotherapy. But the doctor has reservation about having my mother receiving chemotherapy because of the side effect, and because the tumors have already been spread from lung to brain. The chemotherapy may extend life for one or two months.
  2. My dementia father shitted a mess.
I have already expected the conditions of my parents will deteriorate. But when it comes, it is not easy to bear. And the rain has triggered all my negative thoughts.
Sometimes I am confused, I am confused that if it would be better for my parents to enter into advanced stage of their illness sooner because there is no cure for them under existing medical knowledge. Sooner or later, they will go into that advanced stage, so isn't it better if we could shorten this period so both of us suffer less pain.
I don't know the answer.

回望京城 ﹣ 交通


正式搬回香港已經接近三個月了。

要離開北京這個我住了三年的地方,實在不是容易的事。要不是我媽得了重病,估計我還是會繼續留在北京。我太喜歡北京這個地方了。北京這個國都,在人權、空氣和交通等各方面都不如香港,但我卻迷上這樣的一個城市。不是我覺得人權不重要,在北京坐公共交通簡直是受罪的經歷。當看見那些官員在空氣污染指數500的日子還辯稱北京空氣很好,我只想打他們一把。

不過,北京的地大與氛圍,讓他變得很吸引。這裡有很多人,來自中國各地各階層的人。這裡有很多事在發生。而在這裡,你找到很多朋友,有香港朋友,也有內地朋友。在北京有很多香港人,要在這裡找一個圈子,不難。

我想在這裡,寫一下我對北京的印象以及我在這裡的一些經歷。首先,寫一下最令人討厭的北京交通。

我在北京的最後一個晚上,要去祈禱會。下班後想坐的士。在北京找的士,比在人民大會堂找合適採訪對象還有難。北京的公共交通服務水平實在太差,很多都人情願多花點錢坐的士。在下班時間,通街也是等的士的人。北京的士,起步價十元,很多司機覺得開車賺不到錢,也討厭常常在路上堵車,加上他們家可能也是有房有地,司機現在也不開車了,導致等車的人比車要多。

那天,我跟一個朋友,在公司樓下,等了半個小時,也找不到一部的士。我們看到路的對面有一部空車,馬上跑過去把它攔住,當我們想上車時,司機會冷冷的說一句:『我不開了。』

你問他:『去亮馬橋嗎?』他也是冷冷的回答:『我只往南走。』或是:『太遠了,去不了。』

我們再看到空車向我們的方向過來,打算伸手攔住,結果在我們前面兩米突然跑出兩個人來,打開車門上車。這些插隊的人,什麼人也有,包括外國人。一些公德心差的人,還會在插隊後擺出一副很得意的樣子。

結果呢?在只有幾度的天氣下,等了半個小時,是在待不下去,我們決定走二十分鐘去地鐵站坐地鐵。在繁忙時間坐地鐵,是一件很具挑戰性的事。

在香港坐地鐵,無論人是如何的多,人與人之間也會保持一定的距離。在北京地鐵,人是沒有距離的,而在月臺上,人多的時候,你是不用走的,因為你後面的人會推你前進。在北京坐地鐵,特別是一號線,真的是會讓人短命的。

那巴士呢?巴士服務很不可靠,跟地鐵一樣,在繁忙時間,巴士裏面的人是沒有距離的。想像一下,在堵車的路上,你站在一架滿人的巴士裏面,你的頭可以碰到其他人的頭髮,是很嘔心的事。以為巴士到站後會有很多人下車?對,下車的人多,但上車的人還要多。上車的人都好像參加電視臺特技節目一樣,鍥而不捨地擠上車,要看看細小的車廂可以容納多少人。

北京的公共交通設計,都市很奇怪的。常常都要轉車兩三次才能到目的地,在地鐵換乘常常要走20分鐘的路,非常麻煩。

所以,很多人也買車租車。像我這些不會開車的人,要不考車牌或是僱用司機,要不繼續忍受。